Confessions of A Rape Victim


Sometimes when I kiss my crush, I feel sick. Sometimes when he touches me, I want to cry. I can’t make a commitment even though I know this one wouldn’t do that to me. A boyfriend is supposed to protect you, not be your attacker. It’s been 5 years since it happened but it still feels like yesterday.


Today I finally realized I was raped 5 years ago, the truth is all these years I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t, but I was so drunk and my drink had been spiked with some sort of drug, I only remember begging him to stop and maybe his laugh, I remember him dropping me off at my hotel hours later, I was still too unconscious to ask for help or anything, I remember feeling so dirty, and all these years thought maybe I’d wanted it, but today I realized I didn’t and I feel so broken. Help.


He laughed when I tried to get away and said “Maybe if you try harder.”


Talking about it doesn’t help.. I’ve been talking about it even before I knew what really had happened.. No one helped. They were all just sorry.. 3 different abusers, and now, 6 years after the on going abuse I can’t seem to be rid of it.. My boyfriend says it’s in the past and I need to just let it go and stop thinking about it.. But 4 years of my life were taken.. And I’m still getting memories of it all.. How can I just forget it? Why can’t he just understand?


I had new a flashback, I remembered a new event. Another one of my exes raped me. He roofied me too. I can’t cope with there being another one. I can’t deal with knowing I was made a helpless victim, taken advantage again. Will it ever stop or will I just keep remembering new things? I don’t want to remember. I want to be over. He’s now the fourth person to have done it. Why does this keep happening? How do I keep forgetting? What’s wrong with me…


Sometimes I wonder what people actually expect from me. My best friend has kept me from killing myself for this long by making me feel guilty for giving up and leaving her, but really, does she expect I’ll make it? How does anyone expect that from me? Do you really think people live this way? They don’t. It’s only a matter of time before it gets me too.


I have literally spent 1/3 of the time since it happened, 3 years ago, in psychiatric hospitals.


I told my mom last year about camp and she told me about the time she caught our neighbor trying to rape me. She thought I had remembered. We cried together that day. She understands in more ways than one. I left out one incident, she’s heard enough.


Drugs are saving my life right now. Thank God for medication.


Can’t you see I won’t ever be the same after the night you touched me?


I was 6 he was a private baby sitter. He raped me every day for 6 months 2 sometimes 3 times a day. He would laugh as I cried I was begging for the mean man to stop he ripped me open tortured me day after day. Not just with his “naughty bits” as he called them he penetrated me with knifes. Cut me tied me up. It stopped on my birthday because my mother got fired and couldn’t afford him. It’s sad that that was the best birthday I’ve ever had. It’s been 16 years and I’m still a scared little boy.


It happened when I was 13. I didn’t realize what she had done to me until 5 and a half years later. I involuntarily shy away from female contact and I couldn’t figure out why that was a habit I couldn’t stop. So many things trigger me now because of her that I am actually afraid of women sometimes, which makes things very difficult being gay and having many many female friends, as well as being the only male in my workplace.


He sent me a happy birthday text. He only ruined my junior year and permanently fucked me up, so I guess that’s the least he can do.


You were my boyfriend. I thought you were cute. You fit my “type.” Now every guy I’m attracted to reminds me of you. I’m not sure if I can ever have sex with a man again.


I fell in love with someone that helped me move past my sexual assault. A year later, I found out that he blamed both of us for it, me and the guy that sexually assaulted me. Because I froze up and he thought saying stop isn’t hard. It was hard. Harder than you could ever imagine. I told him to stop years ago. Now you, it’s your turn to stop and crawl back to your sick hell hole you were born in.