When he’s stalking me and harassing me and trying to get a reaction from me, I have to think about him. And when he isn’t, I’m thinking about him and wondering how long it’s going to be before he contacts me again, wondering if he isn’t contacting me because he’s in my town, watching me from a parked car outside my house, doing a twice-daily drive-by. I can’t ever not be thinking of him. I can’t ever just “move on.”
I never thought it could be me. 23, I used to live in my ‘safe bubble’, nothing as bad as this ever happened to me. 4 days ago, while going home from work, a homeless guy’s knife and my throat came in contact. I think my soul got away and watched my body from the distance, because it couldn’t bear. While this happened, I couldn’t even think of what more could happen. He raped me, and while he did that, I was looking through the gates thought I was just going to go home, cook, and life would still be normal.
Tomorrow is my abuser’s birthday.
He was so fucking heavy. I could have kept on fighting him if he hadn’t been so god damn heavy. So I just gave up. And when he let me breathe again, I just cried.
I really just don’t understand why this happened to me. I KNOW it wasn’t my fault. I KNOW I didn’t do anything to deserve it. I KNOW he only did it because he’s a bad person who likes to hurt people. I don’t believe in God anymore, and I know there’s no karma, no consequence. But I can’t seem to let go of the idea of some kind of balance in the universe I guess… I don’t know why someone would want to hurt me. I just can’t understand how or why this happened.
Does the feel of disgust, when you look at yourself in the mirror or shower, ever go away? I feel like I’m covered in shit and there are signs that say “Easy target” and “Come get some.”
Laughing and smiling, then suddenly breaking down and crying. Worst feeling.
I was only 7 years old and he was my brother, how could someone who was supposed to protect you rip your innocence from you? I don’t know what I did to make him do that to me, I spent two years being sexually abused by someone close to me and I’ll spend the rest of my life picking up the pieces. They say it gets better but honestly it’s getting worse.
I still remember the first time my brother raped me I can still feel his hand wrapped around my throat that night the sad thing is he continues to do it at least 3 times a week. I just want to disappear forever. I feel disgusting.
11th grade year, I made the worst mistake of all. I met a 26 year old man off the internet at his house. He began kissing me and made me give him a hand job. He climbed on top of me, I said I wasn’t ready and tried to pull up my panties but he wasn’t listening, I let go because he was pulling so hard and I didn’t want him to hurt me, and he shoved himself inside of me. He took my virginity within 3 or 4 strokes. I’m completely disgusted with myself. How could I be so stupid?
I’m so hurt and confused. It’s been almost 2 months and I think about it everyday. You took my virginity, you stalked me prior to that night. You drugged me, and made sure I was drunk. You took me back to your place and before we got there you have me more Codeine and Ecstasy. You knew I was vulnerable at that point and made me kiss you, and perform oral. When I confronted you, you told me I was lying and nothing happened. Now the entire football team hates me because I’m pressing charges.
I feel so alone. So embarrassed and ashamed. I need someone to talk to. Somebody that understands.
I still haven’t been able to explain to my counselor that a lot of my problems started after it. She thinks I’m just stressed over university work, I don’t want to see the pity in her face when it breaks out and have to explain how the police failed to help, which only made it worse.
He said he was glad he had raped me.
It was saint Patrick’s day and San Francisco has a huge parade. I met up with some friends to go out with, got really drunk and got separated from my friends in the chaos. Then my phone died. These two men let me sit with them while I looked out for my friends. I drank and smoke then blacked out. I remember them carrying me and telling me they’d find a hotel room and then I was unconscious. I came back to consciousness in an alley half naked and walked around the city crying for three hours.